“Dear Birth Mom,

I love you. We didn’t meet for long and we don’t have deep in depth conversations, but I care for you so deeply on a level that most don’t understand. You are strong, you are beautiful, and above all, you are brave. You are unselfish and sweet and I could go on and on. See, no matter what has happened in your life, in your entire past, you gave us a gift that nobody else could.   We prayed and waited and were unsure of what adoption would look like and how it would end up, lots of thoughts swirling in our heads. Yet, when we walked in and met you, you had the biggest smile and were so welcoming, even though we were coming into your hospital room.   You are our baby girls first mama, and that will never change.   The pictures you have sent me of you and your family, I have them saved for her and for me. When I don’t hear from you for weeks, I get worried. I want you to be happy and healthy and I hope you are ok. I don’t know if you are grieving, or busy, or what the reason is, but I will always reach out to you until you ask me not to. You are forever a part of her life and ours and we are so very grateful. Please know you are cared for and loved by all of us.”

This is a letter I wish that our birth mom and others would read. Some people, with the best of intentions mind you, don’t understand that we care about this woman. Some think that it would be “easier” if we just went on with our lives and never gave a second thought as to where our daughter came from. Just write off this human that carried our child for 8/9 months and cared for them when we couldn’t? It’s not possible, sorry, this is part of our daughter’s story and now ours. It doesn’t matter why she placed her baby for adoption or what her circumstances are. Without her, we wouldn’t have the life that we do right now.

We are waiting for our final adoption match now, and yes, that means that we will have two birth moms. What will that relationship look like? We have no idea. It might mean anything from meeting them every other month at a park or museum to catch up and play to a text every few weeks with pictures and notes. A shared Facebook page where we both share images to not hearing from them ever again. We have no idea, but we will make this relationship work no matter what.

Adoption is a stressful and emotion filled process for everyone involved, and I get how from the outside it can seem odd and confusing. But please know this: Adoptive families are not “saving” anyone, we are not special. The birth mother’s, the ones that carry these babies, they are the special ones that should be thanked. My older kids and I talk about how our baby, their brother or sister, are probably in the world right now growing in somebodies’ belly, but we just don’t know it yet. So, we pray for those birth moms and we pray for those babies, because there are a lot of women going through this right now, having the decision of a lifetime on their shoulders. Until then, we wait for our call and when we get to meet our new baby and our Birth mom and see where that relationship takes us.